EPIC TALE OF BEAMZ AND SUCH

          Once upon a time there was a land where the feet people roamed. They were civilized feet, who scrubbed their heels, and washed between their Toez. Now as you know all civilized people of this time needed a king, and these feet had a great ruler. His name was King Feety III. He was a great pair of feet. In his time he had defeated the barbarian Handz in an epic battle. He had saved the prinzces of Legz from the flying platypi.  But most importantly he had established the great sport “Balance Beamz.” This game was filled with treacherous obstacles and dangerous opponents. There were 5 different levels of battle that you had to pass in order to get into the tournament. From there you would fight on the BALANCE BEAM, against a fearsome opponent each more dangerous than the last. Many feetz tried out for this fearsome game, but many failed. Only the most agile and strong won.

          One foot who was both of those traits was Footy. Now Footy Mc.Foot Foot was a young foot who had always cherished the heros of the Balance Beamz. He grew up on an old gopher farm and never had enough money to buy new toe slips, or even buy a loaf of apple sauce. Footy(His Nick Name) had only one friend and his name was Pes. They loved to fly through trees, and just play around in the nearby peach wood. Now one day the king was doing the usual, eating apple fudge in his High Foot Chair. The king yelled to his advisors “Entertain Me!” All the advisors rushed to the king and danced and sang and tried to juggle. The king was not amused, but then he had an Idea. “Purely Because I Am Bored, I have Decided that we will gather up all the peasants in the area and make them fight on the balance beam!” he exclaimed to his advisors. Immediately all the advisors gasped. “This cannot be my king, it would dissolve our agriculture,” exclaimed one of the oldest advisors in the room. All the advisors whispered in agreement, “Yes, this would take our agriculture away.” The king paid no attention to them though, “By my footly rule this will happened or some toez will start rolling. In other words I will confiscate yo pinky toe.” The advisors rushed out and got to work as soon as they could.

          Three days later Footy and Pes were walking in the market when a bunch of royal feetz rushed through the market place yelling “Here Ye Here Ye, all the footz report immediately to the Balance Beamz stadium!” Footy and Pes were so interested that they rushed to the stadium as fast as they could hop. When they got there they could see hundreds of feet farmers all crowding the stadium with befuzzled looks on their faces. All of a sudden what seemed like thousands of Foot Trumpets blared and a huge group of royal feet stepped aside for the king. Immediately every single farmer went down on their toez. “I King Feety have decided that for my amusement you will fight to the death through the balance beamz.” Every footz in the stadium gasped and some even tried to run back to the market place, only to find armed royal guards blocking their way. “Each of You,” the king continued, “will be separated into groups, the winner will continue on to battle others.” At that moment the royal guard split up into groups of 10 and started to round up the feet like a cackle of cheeseburgers. Footy was separated from his friend Pes (thank goodness) and rounded up…unfortunately into a group of rough looking farmers. They were taken to a beam where each farmer and peasant were matched up with their first opponent. Footy was paired up with a rough looking farmer named OHSHOOTILOSTMASHOE.

          Footy climbed onto the treacherous balance beam and with a gulp looked down. What he saw he couldn’t describe so I will for you. Below him was a cluster of about 8 SHOOPDAWHOOPS. Each SHOOPDAWHOOP could only fire their laser when the opponent fell off the beam, there for a fall was an instant death by FIREN MA LAZOR. When both Footy and OHSHOOTILOSTMASHOE climbed on to the beam the guard pronounced, “The winner of this match will go on to battle IDKMABFFJILL, and the loser will probably already be dead, GOOOOOOO” Immediately Footy lunged at OHSHOOTILOSTMASHOE and stumbled over himself. In the process footy stepped on a nail and wailed in pain. He lost his balance and fell to his death all you could hear over his horrifying screams of pain was I BE FIREN I BE FIREN I BE FIREN MA LAZOR. OHSHOOTILOSTMASHOE, lost in his second match (Impaling himself on gopher spines). Pes advanced all the way to the championships of the Balance Beamz, but died of a footzstroke later that year. Footys parents never forgave the king and in later years “Accidentally” fell to their deaths onto a spike pit in the middle of their spike growing crops.

Story by Devon Stanley